Time: 10:16 PM
Weather: Windy (40 mph)
Listening to: 罪と罰
Topic: Chronic illness, Gender
I haven't been doing well this week in terms of pain. In the final month of the semester my chronic pain usually gets a lot worse, but even this time has been over the top. It's very hard for me to sit up and type at my desk right now. I did most of my work tonight from bed. The thing about chronic pain is, to me, it's simultaneously boring and overwhelming. I've been getting steadily worse and I can't remember the last time I wasn't in some amount of pain. I can tolerate a lot. Yet at the same time, it's frustrating and truly exhausting. It means accepting newfound limitations as they appear. I don't know how to write this in a way that isn't a bit of a bummer! But sometimes life is just a bummer. I don't think I need to push myself to make things sound happier than they are.
Aside from that, today is trans day of visibility! I figured out I was trans when I was 13 years old. Before then I hadn't heard about the concept of being trans. I didn't question my gender immediately but it stuck in my head. I figured things out more precisely a year later. I never had any doubt. It simply was what I was.
There's a difficult intersection of being trans and disabled that comes up often. You can tell from the design of this site I obviously have an affinity for all things pastel and cute. However, I consider myself significantly closer to masculinity in terms of transition goals. Disability has changed my concepts of exactly what type of masc-adjacent person I can be. I will never be strong or be able to work out as much as I want to. Even my sense of style has had a radical adjustment to fit sensory, pain, and energy needs.
I get told sometimes that others admire me for my confidence. It's a really crazy thing to hear when it happens because I don't feel very confident. I'm a mess of contradictions. A very normal stage for a 21 year old really. But I think I do have a sort of confidence, in a way. I've gotten a lot of pushback for my gender. Pushback is a minimization. I've also grown up knowing there is nothing I can do that will make me a normal or easy person. Assimilation and hiding are non options. I tried them and failed miserably! The only option left is to keep living on my own terms. And that's what I plan to keep doing. I'll keep creating myself in the image I want.
Anyways, happy TDOV everyone! I hope you've all had a lovely one.